I'm useless.

Would it matter to other people if I vanish from this world? Do I make any significance in someone else's life? Am I just a toy to be push away when they do not need me anymore?

Seems like it. I wish I could be free to go wherever I want, whenever I want.

I just want to be appreciated at all times. Not whenever you are pleased to do so.

End of Semester Three

Studies was getting tougher.

Life was getting rougher.

Sucks that I can't be who I really am most of the time.

So-called friends are getting more shittier.

Nevertheless real friends stayed and had becoming more comforting then ever.

Relationship umm uh, was getting more and more ridiculous that you've ever heard of.

Possessions were gone and thrown away by self-claimed clean freak.

They also broke and destroyed it like nothing had ever happened.

Words pricked to my face directly as sharp knives were being stabbed behind my back.

No apologies were being heard.

Being treated as a dummy that will follow their f orders.

Summation of my third semester in UTHM.

-Today was the last paper-

So, i'm in the middle of semester three now and there were too many things that I had experience during my twenty years and ten months of living on earth.

This is all based on my prespective.

1. You should never put a 100% trust on people even your friends.

2. Never fully rely on your friends.

Trust and Tolerance

Warning: Bad words alert!

Some said she was nice

Some said she was too damn nice

But was she really being nice without a price?

Of course she was expecting something

She treated others nice so that others would treat her the same way

She tolerate with them so that she could live a better life

A life that she desires

Without pain and shitty misbehaviour.

Some said that it would be better to accept than to tolerate

But would she do that if her dignity was at stake?

If it was worth it then of course she would sacrifice for it

For she is a human girl who craves for love that is so passionate

Attention and affection is a lonely girl's dream.

Just when a fool dropped by to fulfill his victim's wish

A tsunami of shitstorm came and wipe it all away

Luck was on her side but she did not knew

That the fool's plan wasn't just a few.

Her heart wrecked more than Miley's ball

She would move on but would still stumble and fall

She should realize earlier and stop acting weak and all

Because her life wasn't worth to be tossed around like a beach ball.

Now she knew that trust cannot be found

Particularly from the people around

Especially the most innocent can still be lethal even if he acts cute or could be wearing a gown

But don't you worry dear self, as you are the bitchest in town!

-Me.

Tomodachi

I was randomly being tossed to a university as I had known no one. NO ONE. But my fate wasn't that bad, I only recognise a single soul that was probably being victimise as I am.

Being in Tadika Raihan, I learned to make friends, first friends in my whole entire life.

Moving to Taski Abim, I managed to make more new friends and few of them was also transferred to the same new kindergarden as I was going.

SSP. It was like a mini reunion of Taski Abim, except, we weren't united haha. Everyone only became friends with their new classmates. My first primary school friend was Zoe Wong Li Yin and that was my first ever chinese friend. 

It was funny that I shooed my parents home on the first day of standard one, (I was a coward mouse when I was in kidergarden) so that I could peacefully make friends with this girl. I even had recess together with Zoe and her mother! *insert laughing + tear-eyed emoji*. I remember that she was very clingy with her mother even when they were attending their taekwondo clases (they were brown belt and I was only white at that time if i'm not mistaken).

Standard Two: Hing Li-Syuen & Seri Sarah Syaiha

Standard Three: Ainaa Sorfeena & Sayidatul Sakeena

Standard Four: Nik Nur Aishah

Standard Five: Nur Syafeeqah

Standard Six: Nur Asyiqin (actually we were friends long before this)

*might not be accurate

**there were more but i can't seemed to remember their names (and i call myself a friend)

***ramai lagi eventhough ingat nama but too long to write heheh

Sriaman. This is what you call a massive reunion although we still make new friends from SK Kg. Tunku, KJ, Assunta, etc..

This is the place where I met my craziest, lamest, cheerful, goofy friends.

I have no idea why, but girls are known to be dramatic, emo and all that sort of stuff but I have NEVER EVER experience any of those when I was in secondary. It was either we were agreeable to all sort of stuff (eventhough we were pissed off sometimes, but fights never happened) 

Or

We were too focused on our interest (tumblr, blogs, celebs, manga) to even talk about reality that is happening around us.

KMPk. Mini Sri Aman hahah. My roommate was also my exschoolmate. What more could I ask for? Although I wasn't really comfortable with my classmates actually, because of the different background, cultures. That's why during lectures, I ran off to Jannathul's and Davina's class :D

UTHM. More different cultures. No mutual interests. Was left behind all the time. No quiet but having a crazy mind going on at the back of their heads (probably). I was at my lowest at this point in my life. I felt like there are no such thing as clingy, heart-to-heart, 2am going wild and crazy friends anymore.

But as time goes by, I have found them. Thanks a lot for this gift Allah. I am very greatful to have wonderful friends once again although they are not the same as my school friends, but they are quite similar in certain ways.

Three years later, after meeting most of my Sri Aman friends that I last met at school, I realised that even though we haven't talk for a long long time, we still managed to turn back to our old self, our childish self during school that was buried with new personalities that was created after we had part our own ways after school life.

The best feeling was cherishing our old memories (mostly embarassing ones) which will automatically turn your face red or having a slap on your face by your own hand by impulse. This is what you call cringing, ladies and gentleman, boys and girls.

Messed-up mind

Right now at this particular moment, 'dream big' or 'future pondering' doesn't apply to me anymore or am I the problem here because I don't dare to take risks anymore. Whatever I plan doesn't seem to fall into place or wait, i don't think I have ever planned anything lately because I just tend to go with the flow because everyone else seems better at planning than I do. So why would I ever interfere with their great plannings? Who am I to mess with their plannings? What the heck am I talking about? What plannings? 

My future plannings that is. Both long and short terms. Long plannings tu serahkan kat Allah je la memang I won't know what is ahead of me and I do pray for the best. Ya Allah please give the best for me, amiin. Short plannings ni bengang sikit. Nak buat benda banyak je benda tak jadi. Nak pergi sini sana pun tak jadi ke postpone ke. Memang la aku ni pun pemalas tapi bila dah tiba-tiba rajin tu pastu mood spoil lagi la terus merudum semangat tu. Pastu urghhh rasa macam banyak je dosa ni sebab tu tak tenang kot. Dah tau salah pun still buat dosa. Haih. Ni lah manusia memang tak lari dari buat dosa ni. Tak malu ke nak mintak taubat banyak kali pastu buat lagi. What the heck man. Saya pendosa sejati. Fullstop. Pray for ME.

Semester TWO

Semester Two.

A new journey has began.

People started to notice me more often.

I felt more appreciated.

Fights were even more clarified and occurred frequently.

I understood my standings and what I should do.

I learned how to control and react to certain situations wisely.

Learn from mistakes.

Sometimes it is best to become a wallflower.